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Tricks about dating/ Relationship tips from a bachelor

On this arena of dating I am not a guru I am a very late Bloomer and never try to.hide that fact, I will say things which have been said before and probably I will say the same thing in different ways. There I have broken the first rule of story telling, never pre-empt anything at the beginning or start by apologizing/explaining yourself… but screw rules, we are talking about dating and there are not rules in this *#@@#

1. Don’t be boring
People want to be around (read date) interesting people people who excite them. I don’t know what this is all about, but listen a lot and if you pick out “remember when you/we did this? That was pretty awesome” and be doing that more often than the things a that don’t get mentioned.

2. Fake spontaneity if you have to but have a plan in your head
I think for the people who like knowing exactly what is going to happen and how it is going to happen, spontaneity is something we struggle with. We always have a plan. You know what you will do this weekend and next and the next after next. We have a list we cross off and keep adding new things. But you know what? Some people hate that, so how to you ensure you keep this interesting person who wants you to be a free like a butterfly like themselves? I won’t tell you to throw your list, no, but hide it!!! There you have it. Hide your list and ensure you only unleash the items on it the very last minute, how spontaneous is that? Pretty much, yes? You are welcome 😉

3. Be random
Never let your relationship reach point where you anticipate each other or it becomes routine. Be too random at times it scares and at the same time excites them. So yes you had been saving to take her/him on vacation to Madagascar and an opportunity to go skydiving in Diani happens, take her/him *disclaimer you are responsible for your financial management if you get into woes don’t say Mackel said. In hindsight the opportunity cost will be a healthy relationship ey?*

So there you have it, follow these tricks on dating and you will see yourself moving out of the friend zone more often. These apply to both girls and guys.

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The abusive relationship

He offered her all she ever dreamt of
In her young and impressionable self,  this was the life
Then slowly the ugly head started rearing itself
He knew her every move. Stalker! Or is it PIs?
Who she talked to where she had been

He knew even the conversations she had on her phone

And not once did she see him pick up her phone to scroll!

Who are you? She often wondered to herself…
He threatened to hurt everyone he deemed competition
She was scared
She knew he was capable of what he said
She withdrew even from her closest friends
He owned her, it was an abusive relationship
And all that glitter was not worth the sacrifice

Domestic violence

One day she packs and decides she is about to runaway and never look back. And there she started recreating her life back again.

How far are you willing to go/ sell your soul inorder to get the good life?

 

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Six things you need to know about dating a girl who's above 25

So of late my friends think I have become good with women but the reality is women have become good with me. Dating a girl that is above 25 brings out a new perspective on the word date here is a few of the things I have made discoveries on:

1. Exclusivity
Whereas when she was younger she wouldn’t mind tagging along with a couple of friends to your dates, now if you are having a date it will be just you two. You get the time to really get to catch up and talk without trying to engage a third wheel who might not be privy to some of the things you talk about.

2. Less alcohol
While before going out in a club counted as a date. The girl who is 25 and above will prefer a proper date, not a drinking date. Even if there will be alcohol it is just to keep the story going not to make you too drunk you need to be carried home.

3. Content
The 25 plus girl will mostly be talking about her future, that MBA she intends to start or finish on, that deal she hears from PRC for a ka plot in Nanyuki (who lives in Nanyuki though?), getting the right partner because in a few years time she intends to settle down and she also talks alot about money and being upwardly mobile. This girl seems very clear about what she wants and how she will get there.

4. Bullshit
This is the biggest development you find. If she tells you “oh I have a bullshit detector” she is lying. But if you say something crappy and she stops you and tells you “you are shitting me right now” there you have found a girl who won’t accept to feed on crap.

5. Making the first move

Uncle Norman: Two and a half men

Uncle Norman: Two and a half men

She knows when a guy likes her and is too scared to ask. Well this is not from my personal experience but from observation around hehe. She will throw things like, my evening tomorrow is free would you like to grab some coffee as the rain caused traffic eases? Or I know how really like chapo and I just know the place, it is the best kept secret when it comes to chapos.

6. Sex
If you have ever been involved in procurement process you know how you start with pre-qualifying suppliers. Basically sex will never be just random with this girl. If you ask nicely and she says yes, she premeditated about all the scenarios and knew how they’d play out in her head before. So you are the puppet. She will never say yes if she doesn’t want to. And most importantly if she wants to she is not too shy to initiate, at first she will be coy about it then it gets more broad about it depending on the partner’s response.

If you are a lady over 25 what has changed since you hit a quarter century? If you are a guy what are the changes you are noticing?

 

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Amref was E.X.C.I.T.I.N.G for me ☺😉

I have this interest in playing around with data, to bring out different scenarios and when an opportunity presented itself for a short course at Amref international training centre I broke my bank to join the program.

Happy cartoon green smiling frog jumping excited and spreading his arms and legs

Happy cartoon green smiling frog jumping excited and spreading his arms and legs

Amref is the only place where I found exciting to be a reality and not a word put up in their generic value system and hang on a board at the reception. The people were always geared up pumped for action, it made me start looking inwards and asking myself is my life work balance as exciting as these guys and to be honest I think I would love to join amref. Even if it will mean me being deployed to some village in Turkana as long as it is exciting, I’m going to take it.

What is exciting to you? Is your life/ career exciting? Amref was exciting for me. It pumped some life into me. If I start talking about the people I will need a week to finish….

PS. If you know anyone who knows anyone who knows the recruiting manager at Amref holla so that I can prepare my “why I am the right candidate and fit pitch” 😉

 
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Posted by on May 16, 2016 in Adult, Nairobi, Work

 

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#NSFW Tinder in Kenya. The match un-match business.

So the cat in me decided, what the hell is this tinder i kept hearing from a third of the conversations from my friends and acquaintances. Like a cat the curiosity built up untill I could not hold it anymore

5KQHj5i
Si I decide to let my ass join tinder well that was to last exactly for one week only. So here is my short and crazy experience on this animal😂

Saturday
Start checking out tinder alternatives. Saw hot or not. Fun something. Badoo. Tinder and a host of other unrated apps. Itart reading reviews and finally decide to go with tinder.

Sunday
I download the app and start learning the ropes. I start swiping right but I am choosy. Oolala I get a couple of hot hot babes who swipe back and it’s a match!😏😏 I must be doing pretty good. I go start checking out my new babes description and alas! Guess what I find out? They are escorts! A snippet of the description read “twerk queen, will make you forget your problems. Well loaded guys, broke boys and jokers please swipe left” Wueh!
The other nubile match that atleast looks innocent we start chatting then I have no idea what I said wrong she unmatched me!😭😭

Monday
The word fuckboy keeps appearing more times than I could count. I have to find out what it means. The matches who say they just want just friends can’t really seem to hold a conversation. I think maybe it is my kick off strategy that is bad, I go to the app store and download apps to help with the cheesy lines that break the ice and get her talking. When the tacky lines can’t seem to work since they are not tailored for Africa. Especially Kenya I surrender.

Screenshot_2016-05-03-22-01-23-758

I go to my friend M and start lamenting how I cannot seem to find babes on tinder. Babes who are not seeking the size of my pants or wallet. She asks me to send her my profile and she goes nope nope throw away those pics put kickass pics. You got to be a thirst trap Kel. I think a thirst trap huh? Okay then. Challenge accepted.

Tuesday
I go through my phone and find some kickass pics which I get M to put the stamp of approval and put them up. I put them up and wait. And wait and waaaaaiiiiit. Kwani these people don’t see my kick ass pics ama niaje? I mean I am playing by the rules and even have enlisted the help of a coach all ego aside right?

Wednesday
I decide maybe it is my description is the one giving me problems. I formulate what I think was pretty dope.”If I was a cat my ninth would be lost on tinder, just a curious mind. Existing only in your mind, I am yours,  your faithful imaginary friend #TinderHomeofImaginaryFriends

Thursday
My coach tells me “dude you got to be swiping as much as possible, you can’t be expecting her to fall from heaven line manna”. From that alone I change my discovery setting from the minimum of 2 km to max of 159 km.
I then swipe and super like until all my likes and super lies are finished. So I am told super like is for those who don’t want to waste time. You could see the future mother of your kids and you don’t want to wait until she sees you and swipes right back. You want her to get notifications because tinder doesn’t let the other person know. It has to be a mutual liking to get a match. So say you are a guy and want to give a lady your sperm and you don’t feel like you can wait. You super like and fast forward that hookup. Same thing applies for ladies, say you see a guys who makes your ovaries cry out for him. Super like that dude!!! You are welcome!!

Friday
I don’t log in

Saturday
I get new matches I feel good again. But the weird part is nobody seems interested in conversation. More matching and unmatching.
Then I decide to chat up the very first matches I made and the response is straight to the point Ten thousand for an hour.
I curl back to where I came from. I tell my friend and she tells me she gets that alot, instead of hi, it’s “how much for a night”

Sunday
This day I match with a creative manager somewhere and I think you myself finally I found someone to talk to. And the best thing is she wants friends only. So I ask her why she is on tinder and as I am about to explain myself and goofyness I was unmatched!
I decide I had enough in tinder wonderland. I deactivate the Account and delete the app. For now I’d rather rather talk to the crazy strangers in mathrees. Let me stick to the rivers and lakes I am used to…

Have you ever been on tinder? What was your experience?

 

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Taking chances – Overheard stories

I am doing my evening walk from work to town as we do to keep fit and beat jam. When the conversation dies between me and Charlie I normally drift and start eavesdropping at people’s stories if you are very keen you will notice my quick pace has slowed so that I pick up the juice. So here was today’s juice:
Girl 1: ….So he has been telling me he wants to move out from hostel to his own place
Girl 2: For real?
Girl 1: Yup. And he keeps telling me ati he wants me to go for a sleepover.
Girl 2: Enhe?
Girl 1: So, si me I told him, kama ataweka house warming ni sawa and as long as I can tag along with my friends. Then he gets pissed when I tell him that. Now he wants to go to what once was. I mean he had the chance with me that day I used to keep hanging with him, but akalalia maskio…

Charlie has already left me behind so I rush to keep up. But I can’t help but think, does the poor fellow in that conversation know that he had a chance with the girl he liked and squandered it all up ama bado amelalia maskio?
What do we learn from such a conversation, when an opportunity presents itself to do or be something you have always really wanted, do not second guess, or pussyfoot take it and never look back. Otherwise the divine providence might decide you took too long “deciding”.

 
 

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The older you get the lonelier it becomes

“The older you get the lonelier it becomes. Social life keeps dying as we become more and more upwardly mobile,” she said over lunch
Now that we are past quarter century old. The excitement if being to be your own person has died out a d you are spending more and more time thinking about the future and what are some of the things you need to get done and soon. Be it that plot, be it going back to school, be it changing jobs, paying dowry… whatever it might be. Time becomes something precious and weekends don’t last that long as before you never seen to get much done in the same 24 hours because the backlog keeps on piling. Even as you sleep less and less the time doesn’t seem to stretch even one tiny inch. You start realising as you pursue your own legend and become more upwardly mobile (whatever that means) or like one client calls it the prime age for bank loans, credit cards and spending money you do not have, just because you can and the bank will oil it. One day you wake up in your house full of many toys and possessions but still feel a deep void inside. Because even with all the things that you thought money would bring with it you are still lonely. Your relationships are struggling; family, riendships and even the romantic ones. You have many friends on social media platforms and when you get notifications on an interaction you get excited but even that last as long as the notification light stays on.
Well some say even if no one else loves them the money will, but you find the friends they proclaim are the good time only friends. The ones who are there for WIIFM what’s in it for me. The moment their self interest is not served you are done and unapologetically so. If you lose that job or that hustle that binds your activities you are your own my friend. So if you want to test out who you will stick through the long journey called life, you need to start picking out some traits.
Who is the person who can face you and tell you enyewe we are friends but you are bullshitting right now
Who makes sure they pay a courtesy call for no absolute reason because they want to know how you are doing (for myself I might pay one because of power outage and I need my rechargeables charged)
Who attends your key milestone events even when there were other more fun interesting options?
Please help me build this list. What makes you decide this is a relationship I want to maintain and this one it is time it was severed.

All relationships are like bank accounts for you to withdraw you have to make deposits first, emotional, time etc… otherwise you need to reconcile your account – Mackel Tisa

 

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