Can't beg, won't beg

Every time he would beg

Every time he got a rejection

After begging

He would feel worse about himself

He decided to stop begging

They said he bacame aloof

Uninterested

It was just a wall he created

To protect the vulnerable inner self…

 

 

Clarity

 

She had been doing her group assignment; I was at a corner busy finishing on mine. Then she stood, then she stood! Good Lord she an ass! Every finance concept I had been trying to grasp for fifteen minutes got all scrambled, you know the way DSTV scrambles your signal once you are late with your subscription? That way! As she walked my eyes were following her and with every step that ass would jiggle, while my headphones must have been playing Tiesto, for one minute my mind was playing Ass like that by Eminem “I don’t believe it, it almost too good to be true, I never seen an ass like thaaat…” She was talking animatedly to her friend and that’s where I noticed a gap between her teeth, oh boy two things that draw me to women in one, she must be quite something! As I went home that day all I could think about is her, I take too long sometimes to make a move as I study my subject of attraction, it has cost me many chances like Pangla Punglu calls it “Kulala class”. But this suits my personality, being an introvert it has saved me many heartaches, as I don’t know how to deal with those, and being vulnerable; which is a requirement for any relationship is not a state I like being in.

For a while I didn’t see her until I moved to this hostel, when people were busy renting SQ’s and Bedsitters is when I was moving to a hostel! Weird, huh? I know. Guess who I see when I am having my supper? Yep you guessed right, the fine ass lady, Henry must have noticed, he did what every bro does, push you to make a move. I didn’t make it that day. One Sunday I join Henry to go to church, I am not a Catholic but sometimes spiritual nourishment doesn’t have to come from your own church ey? As we go to the Ten o’clock service at Don Bosco cathedral in Upperhill guess who we meet? This made me start accompanying Henry every other Sunday, I never saw her in all the subsequent visits, maybe God felt I was playing him and made our schedules stop coinciding, for a while I didn’t see her. She had this friend who at times would join out table, I was tempted to ask him for her number, but then again what kind of man can’t ask a lady he fancies for her number himself? Then this Sunday I am just having my lunch lazily when Henry gives me a heads up, as she is leaving I call her name and finally ask for that number. She must have been shocked, I suck at small talk, therefore this must have been shocking “Hey M, how are you? Good? Great! What’s your number? Are you free this afternoon, we go to safariwalk?” I got the number but safariwalk didn’t happen that day and she hates walking anyway. I was smitten, and after lunch I was busy humming to Just a Band’s, Hey

Hey baby nataka kukuona

sura yaako inafanya roho inapona

hey kweli ni we ni malaika

hao wengine nawaita kadhalika

Fast forward to a year later, I am in my first job and basically figuring out life on my own she is still in school we get reacquainted. Things had changed, we chat here and there, I am still smitten and I think I mentioned it and that is when I reinforced my notion; being vulnerable sucks, simple stuff would be answered rudely that I couldn’t figure out why. These are the times you just keep quiet as you try to figure it out, guys suck at discussing things like these, you recluse and figure it yourself; DIY, anyway how would such a conversation go, “hey Henry, this girl answered an honest question rudely, what could that mean?” no way, not happening. I have digressed, because the other person may see you vulnerability as a weakness and use it to demoralize you, and your situation is that of always Beggin like Madcon. At some point the fuse blew and I put a stop to everything. I wasn’t vulnerable anymore, it felt good. But not for long; have you realized the further you pull the sling on a catapult the more the tension increases making it likely to return at the un-stretched position? Unless you cut the rubber the sling will always return to its original position no matter how much you pull it. In short I was not moving on, I was mark timing like a hamster running very fast on a wheel but at the end of the day it’s back to square one. I figured this would not be fair to future flames, not being able to give them all of me like John Legend. I needed clarity; I needed to have some questions to avoid the “what ifs and what might have been”.  I ask her the nagging questions, I expected her to ignore that long-winded text but she doesn’t, we later have this long chat and it starts dawning to me, even if I wanted and like Chris Brown I tried to Kiss her, maybe I would have kissed the hand smack on my face. By the time we hang up, my infatuation, poof! Had disappeared.

I won’t be building walls this time, but God knows I am scared of being that vulnerable again. How other people do it I am yet to understand, thanks to being a very late bloomer. So it’s back to Brikicho, in finance we were taught the bigger the risk the bigger the returns, but I don’t know if the same applies to risking heart breaks and being vulnerable!!!? But know what? Am not singing that Chris Brown song again, or rather I will sing a different version:

Yes I did Kiss you

I already told you how I felt

No I won’t stop

Stopping at green light

When I know I want to be more than friends

Okay we both know I can’t sing…