People who can’t hold their drink

Kweli jana kuliendaje (aje)

Kweli jana nililewaje (aje)

Kweli jana nilifanyaje (aje)

Yo wasee niambie kuliendaje

There goes a popular genge tune by Mejja telling the everyday story of the habitual drunk, from one to many to an eventual black out. So today my beef is with people who can’t hold their drink, they know it but they never stop when the hit the limit. Drinking it not like orgasm which is unstoppable once you pass the point of no return. And what maddens me most is once a blackouter always a blackouter!! The same old guys are the ones who puke and blackout every time you go out, and end up spoiling the fun for the others.

And when you go out with such a person you have to cut your plans short, even if you had already started connecting with that pretty lass or hunk you met at the bar. All that effort goes to waste, if the club is modest you will be told to go out, otherwise the bouncers will throw you out the moment you start messing it for the other patrons. You have to arrange for a cab, and take these guys valuables since they are already in that drunken ‘nirvana’ and don’t have a care for the world, but will blame you later on if they lose them! I have had my experience where my boy blacks out even before the party starts. Being my ‘brothers keeper’ I can’t look the other way and pretend nothing happened. I have been forced to abandon everything else and start looking for ways of getting a half dead full grown ass man home!

So here’s the deal, please know your limit, I’d rather a tipsy peep than a knocked out one. If the price motivates you to drink more, buy something more expensive. People who take henney, Malibu and blue Smirnoff never drink the whole bottle! So if you can’t help taking those napoleons, Kenya kanes by the litre and chewing out develop an exquisite taste and am sure we’ll have this problem under control. And there goes my two cents to all you if you can’t hold you drink!

Blame it on the goose

Got you feeling loose

Blame it on patron

Got you in the zone

Blame it on the a a a a a a alcohol

Blame it on the a a a a a a alcohol

Blame it on the vodka

Blame it on the Henney

Blame it on blue top, gotcha feeling dizzy

Blame it on the a a a a a a alcohol CRAP THAT!!

IF YOU CANT HOLD YO SHIT DON’T DRINK IN THE FIRST PLACE

 

Did you just say Rohypnol?

Mention rohypnol or valium and tremors ran up my spine!

Just had parted with Mwenda and headed home around eight. At the stage there weren’t any matatus, so I mind my own business and wait for a 15 to show up. The crowd at this time is of people who were working late, evening class students and people from the drinking capital Nairobi west after having ‘one for the road’.

Two guys come and stand behind me and one starts smoking. One is on my left and the other on my right and they are talking loudly that you would think we were company if you passed by. I move away because of the smoke, a guy comes out of nowhere and sprays some powder on my face…. Everything starts going slow motion like in the movies, gasp, gaasp gaaaasp where is fresh air when you need it? Mwenda is gone and here I am with drugs setting in. Then I spot her, I had seen her severally in campus though we had never spoken ‘Hi? Am Mackel, I have seen you around campus, I have been drugged and I feel like am passing out!!! I tell her in slurred speech. ‘Another drunkard, conman, thug! What a lame story,’ is all that is going through her head. Then I dunno what hit her, ‘can I see you School ID?’ I show it to her she relaxes a little. Just then an old matatu shows up and we board it pap! Thankfully by the time I get home the effects have subsided, but I feel a bit drowsy, kinda high like I have spliffed! I get some milk and go to sleep.  All night a fever and tremors set in, and as the clichés say I sweat like a pig and shake like a leaf. Morning at the hospital the Doc says my blood is clean am just stressed by the experience, ‘what do you expect?’ I think to myself. Then the paranoia sets in everybody is guilty till proven harmless. Not even the bestest of smiles can disarm me, otherwise a plastic smile will do for the time being just for public relations!!! Lemayian just know you are appreciated wherever you are. It takes real courage to do what you did; I sometimes doubt if I would have done the same, were I, in you shoes.

Rohypnol, valium, mchele or whatever name you call it just gives me the creeps when I hear it being spoken about. What’s your brush with any of these?

 

FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN THE SEXES!

Here is a random mail I got, a battle of the sexes. It proved a good laugh but undeniably true. Read on and tell me what you think 🙂

 

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn’t come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had
slept over at a friend’s house.

The man called his wife’s 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.

 

 

 

 

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn’t come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had
slept over at a friend’s house.

The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over,
and two claimed that he was still there.

 

Where it all begins; rural kid comes to town!

Eleven or so years ago yours truly was just another rural boy without a care in the world, a little naïve maybe. Life was simple nothing like ‘living on the fast lane’ was ever heard of. Everyday was routine, as if we ran on auto pilot. Life was just happening nobody seemed very much driven. I knew all my neighbours, even those in the neighbouring villages! If you doubt that one can know everybody in an entire location then look for Akuku Danger and you’ll catch my drift. But wait, I don’t mean that we were a big family from a  polygamist, No! When nothing much is happening around, you find your self at the neighbour’s to break the monotony.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. - Maria Robinson

Then it all happened! No explanations were given, I didn’t ask any questions either. The eyes just told it all, I could feel and touch the sadness in them. Emotions seemed drained. And moving away we did. I can’t remember saying goodbye to all those friends, like money with G4S, we just disappeared. It was a new beginning, new environment a shakeup to the status quo and formation of new alliances. The guy I always played with, shared my childish dreams, looked up to as my hero (When you are the only kid in the village with a bicycle leave alone a mountain one, you know what I talk about), the guy I wanted to grow into or even surpass just left without looking back and pap! He got lost. I had to take one plus one to make nine, because questions only brought pain and bad memories.

So here I was in a new town, everyone seemed narcissistic, not many knew who the other was, it was a ‘mind your own’ attitude and life goes on. A new school and a new search for new friends begins while trying hard to erase a bitter past in my young mind was  the occupation as I settled in. Academically intelligent but all over sudden socially retarded, I had to be always pushed from the house to play, with a bicycle and those raundi mwenda’s in the estate I made new friends Kash and Kev. I loved the tube and books than I did interacting with people. I would open the door for a guest but leave them in the living room, go to my bedroom and bum. As Maya Angelou would put it, solitude was my better companion! Questions kids ask like ‘who’s your daddy?’ were answered by ‘He’s dead!’ and that always brought the conversation to an end and ensured the topic wont be revisited again. That worked well since the explanations would have just torn me apart, having no answers of my own.

After a fortnight in my new school my desk mate tells me she loves me! ‘What? Am I dreaming or what?’ was all I could think of, I pinch myself and all I can muster to say was a feeble ‘thank you!’ with trembling lips. I was dazed that afternoon, I became a zombie, in a haze, no clear flow of thoughts. I had always believed we were the ones to make the first move, then again I tell myself am in new territories! Her friends tease my blushing self, what kind of a man was I, I pondered. Here is this beautiful town girl who’s smart too (she was among the crème de la crème of the class intellectually) and she is not beating about the bush or even blinking when telling me this… You will hear people say ‘girls mama warned me about’ but heck I couldn’t remember being warned about girls. All I knew was ‘f**k around and die early, AIDS is real!’. Nobody gave you any sex education and the facts seemed scanty in being made public, if you remember the days condoms could not be advertised on tv at prime time then you can understand.

‘Hey wanna see my boob top?’ she whispers, ‘boo what?’. It’s an afternoon and 90% of the class is drowsy or already dozing, check left right center, I took a peek am man I had never felt so much blood flow in my veins. ‘If you ever make me pregnant and leave I’ll kill you!’ she goes on to say!!!!??? *Freeze* The bubble was bust, ‘we haven’t even started and you talk about tots? Am already a big tot, can’t sustain my behind even if I wanted to.’ Time to move on…

My Swahili teacher usually made us use msamiati and methalis in our inshas and one that has served me well every time I see change or move to new environment has always be  ‘uskistaajabu ya Musa utaona ya Firauni!’ Since then the surprises have to try harder!

 

Breaking loose!

My friend Shekyn calls it blogirnity! But we men have our pride, we never tell when we lost it coz each and every one of us has a stud in them, we love to be the Alpha or the Pro! So here are my two lines première from my closet! *tongue in cheek* 🙂

Even so I understand being the new guy isn’t easy so green will be the background and theme colour till I join the ranks of blogger supremos yet remaining simple…