Yin and Yang
the cowardly dog!
Healing and fresh beginning
I remember the first time when Henry told me I love you
Well we were drunk
And I thought maybe he is bringing out his gay ass out haha
So I never told him back
But it would nag me in my head
Then I came to realise something
You remember the four types of love you learned in school?
Agape, Phileo, Storge and Eros
Then it hit me, there were people I really care about whom were not family (Storge) or people I am attracted to sexually (Eros), there has been people whom are like brothers and sisters people who are there all through (Phileo) and most times we assume they are there by chance, we never get to appreciate them.
I think it our socialization, love is made to be a word that is used in particular situations or with particular people;as with the case with two of my friends if you are a guy they never tell you bye of goodnight, they always respond with “same” or “sawa” or “fiti” and I just go away laughing to myself. They feel that saying that to a guy is being soft or weak. Why am I writing about this, you ask. As I was watching straight outta Compton Dr. Dre only told Eazy E that he cared for him as a brother on his hospital bed, wouldn’t it be good if we give out flowers when people can still smell them?
Well I tried telling Henry back I loved him, it came out weird but I guess if I tell him “I don’t hate you man” it communicates yes? They should find a gangsta version of communicating love between same sex and people you are not sexually attracted to, I know adding no homo is meant to help but what if I am telling a girl whom I have no other intention except communicating I value the friendship? Because all those synonyms, I adore…, I am fond… will raise eyebrows… Okay I’m done
So this season, if you have someone who you feel has been there for you through thick and thin, go ahead and tell them. It might be someone who just listens to your troubles when everybody else has had it from you. Someone who helps out without you asking but you need the help (ego much). Whichever way they are there for you, just tell them…
I don’t know if it’s me
But every time my stupid heart
Falls for someone
They always want to give me a heart attack!
Maybe I worry too much
Maybe I love too much
Maybe I love wrong
The year started well. I was all optimistic as I always am 🙂 Big dreams, big goals, big challenges to be overcame, new house. Yup the year started pretty well, despite being not too digital when it came to having a phone I was happy for the good start.
Big dreams, big goals big challenges, failure, wins
I am a dreamer, big dreamer. I had big dreams for the year and big goals, well I did achieve some and missed out on others. For the achievements I did gloat, Henry can be testament to that. For the failures, I beat myself about it and learned to take it with a brave face. I learned you can never be well prepared for failure, no one is, contingency plans or not, we all want the best results. There were some wins, to these I am grateful to God.
Oh boy I did fall and fall hard. I had an infatuation of a magnitude last experienced in my campus days. Well it was a mutual kind of thing; her south was attracted to my north as my north was attracted to her south! There were no (baseless) standards (hurdles) many people put into relationships, yes we once had a random date as we were going home at Central park (if it is not java for the other girls I’ve been with no deal, lol);
Her: Hey M. what’s the craziest thing you have done this year.
Her: How about we get hotdogs and pass by Central park today?
Her: I want to steal some time with you.
Me: *Sheepish smile*
Being together, to her, was more important than where. She was crazy and stubborn like I am; maybe all it not lost you can find someone who complements your attributes and magic happens.
2014 was the year of self-discovery and reaffirmation that all is not lost and that dreams are there to be attained, don’t say you are too old too busy to go after what it that your heart really desires. 2015 I hope will be a year of endless possibilities and great realities.
A friend predicts that 2015 is my year of love. My heart is all open and ready, yeah baby I am ready. Hehehe.
Woolie, Kui, Savvy, Alex, Charles (Your blog inspired the title of this blog sir), Henry, Uncle Tree, and all other veiled readers of this diary, thank you for keeping up with the mundane journey of Mackel9, let us see what 2015 holds for us all 😉
I have been writing this post for a long time it had remained a draft that never seems good enough to publish, but today I am going ahead and letting you in on the randomness going on in my head. I am going to talk about love today and what I have learned so far about it or rather what I think I have learned. This is a subject that does not have gurus, but some people understand the subject better than others. Well I am in the category that tries really hard to understand it, it never comes naturally to me and my like (tuko wengi). When you have no one to give you a map on matters of the heart, you have to make that map yourself. Trial and error till you get it right. Well I have come up with a fairly rough idea for what this map looks like and I will share it with you:
School, Church, Regular events
If you are looking for a life partner I find these to be the best places one can find the one. This is why (I will be skewed towards school more here):
Bar/ Club/ One off events
After the third beer a lot of things are said. Whatever happens when you under influence should not be considered to have been serious/ binding when you become sober! They say, “A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts”, but unless this drunk is a person you have known before for a while whatever they say cannot be taken at face value. Evaluate and re-evaluate. Clearly you can see I am biased here, and my map stays that way on this one…
“Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives – Bertrand Russell”
At some point when you have friends who you seemingly seem to be going through the same things/ issues in life you may be tempted to think “why don’t we hook up, we understand each other right? And to top it up we are friends”. Well this is the thing; if you get together with loneliness as the key driver, it will not work. Things will start rosy, the relationship will seem okay. Then one side will want more; more in this case, it may be letting your other mutual friends know you are together, getting jealous and marking the territory of what is rightfully yours (not the psycho marking that includes stalking though, that’s scary, an introduction of “hey meet my girlfriend/ boyfriend” works perfectly). The other may feel this being somehow throttling since you were just friends a while before and had good distance, this resentment is usually the beginning of the end.
But if you can sit and discuss your expectations beforehand and understanding what converting a platonic friendship to girlfriend/boyfriend involves and the strain that will bring to your mutual friends as they try to pick sides should you part ways and agree then what the hell go right ahead. But Love is hardly rational, so what I’m saying?!!!
Urban dictionary describes a fuck buddy thus: A friend or acquaintance whom you occasionally (or often) have sex with. While the sex might be serious, the relationship isn’t.
AKA Friends With Benefits
Kelsey was left wondering whether or not the “friend” her cousin Emily spoke about so much was her boyfriend or fuck buddy.
You will meet those career focussed people. They are in the “building their career” or “climbing up the career ladder first” or “trying to make their first million” phase. For these commitment is an issue since their lack of time is evident, they are married to their careers/ business, they are forthright in the beginning that they just want to have good sex.
Like Jay-Z put it in lost ones:
I don’t think it’s meant to be, be
But she loves her work more than she does me
And honestly, at twenty-three
I would probably love my work more than I did she
So we, ain’t we
It’s me, and her
‘Cause what she prefers over me, is work
And that’s, where we, differ
So I have to give her
Free, time, even if it hurts
So breathe, mami, it’s deserved
You’ve been put on this earth to be
All you can be, like the reserves
And me? My time in the army, it’s served
So I have to allow she, her, time to serve
The time’s now for her
In time she’ll mature
And maybe we, can be, we, again like we were
Finally, my time’s too short to share
And to ask her now, it ain’t fair
So yeah, she lost one
Should you want to turn your friends to fuck buddies, DO NOT! Those relationships have a timeline; they come to an end eventually. As far as these are concerned, I hardly think these relationships work. That serious sex may just turn to someone demanding for more, or feeling entitled to more than being someone who cures an itch. Refer to friends above. Ask yourself, “to have a good friend and lose a good lover or to have a good lover and lose a good friend?” on this it is hard to have your cake and eat it. If you think you can hack having a sexual relationship sans the emotional strings, go right ahead and be shagging the living daylights out of your partner!
She had been doing her group assignment; I was at a corner busy finishing on mine. Then she stood, then she stood! Good Lord she an ass! Every finance concept I had been trying to grasp for fifteen minutes got all scrambled, you know the way DSTV scrambles your signal once you are late with your subscription? That way! As she walked my eyes were following her and with every step that ass would jiggle, while my headphones must have been playing Tiesto, for one minute my mind was playing Ass like that by Eminem “I don’t believe it, it almost too good to be true, I never seen an ass like thaaat…” She was talking animatedly to her friend and that’s where I noticed a gap between her teeth, oh boy two things that draw me to women in one, she must be quite something! As I went home that day all I could think about is her, I take too long sometimes to make a move as I study my subject of attraction, it has cost me many chances like Pangla Punglu calls it “Kulala class”. But this suits my personality, being an introvert it has saved me many heartaches, as I don’t know how to deal with those, and being vulnerable; which is a requirement for any relationship is not a state I like being in.
For a while I didn’t see her until I moved to this hostel,
when people were busy renting SQ’s and Bedsitters is when I was moving to a hostel! Weird, huh? I know. Guess who I see when I am having my supper? Yep you guessed right, the fine ass lady, Henry must have noticed, he did what every bro does, push you to make a move. I didn’t make it that day. One Sunday I join Henry to go to church, I am not a Catholic but sometimes spiritual nourishment doesn’t have to come from your own church ey? As we go to the Ten o’clock service at Don Bosco cathedral in Upperhill guess who we meet? This made me start accompanying Henry every other Sunday, I never saw her in all the subsequent visits, maybe God felt I was playing him and made our schedules stop coinciding, for a while I didn’t see her. She had this friend who at times would join out table, I was tempted to ask him for her number, but then again what kind of man can’t ask a lady he fancies for her number himself? Then this Sunday I am just having my lunch lazily when Henry gives me a heads up, as she is leaving I call her name and finally ask for that number. She must have been shocked, I suck at small talk, therefore this must have been shocking “Hey M, how are you? Good? Great! What’s your number? Are you free this afternoon, we go to safariwalk?” I got the number but safariwalk didn’t happen that day and she hates walking anyway. I was smitten, and after lunch I was busy humming to Just a Band’s, Hey
Hey baby nataka kukuona
sura yaako inafanya roho inapona
hey kweli ni we ni malaika
hao wengine nawaita kadhalika
Fast forward to a year later, I am in my first job and basically figuring out life on my own she is still in school we get reacquainted. Things had changed, we chat here and there, I am still smitten and I think I mentioned it and that is when I reinforced my notion; being vulnerable sucks, simple stuff would be answered rudely that I couldn’t figure out why. These are the times you just keep quiet as you try to figure it out, guys suck at discussing things like these, you recluse and figure it yourself; DIY, anyway how would such a conversation go, “hey Henry, this girl answered an honest question rudely, what could that mean?” no way, not happening. I have digressed, because the other person may see you vulnerability as a weakness and use it to demoralize you, and your situation is that of always Beggin like Madcon. At some point the fuse blew and I put a stop to everything. I wasn’t vulnerable anymore, it felt good. But not for long; have you realized the further you pull the sling on a catapult the more the tension increases making it likely to return at the un-stretched position? Unless you cut the rubber the sling will always return to its original position no matter how much you pull it. In short I was not moving on, I was mark timing like a hamster running very fast on a wheel but at the end of the day it’s back to square one. I figured this would not be fair to future flames, not being able to give them all of me like John Legend. I needed clarity; I needed to have some questions to avoid the “what ifs and what might have been”. I ask her the nagging questions, I expected her to ignore that long-winded text but she doesn’t, we later have this long chat and it starts dawning to me, even if I wanted and like Chris Brown I tried to Kiss her, maybe I would have kissed the hand smack on my face. By the time we hang up, my infatuation, poof! Had disappeared.
I won’t be building walls this time, but God knows I am scared of being that vulnerable again. How other people do it I am yet to understand, thanks to being a very late bloomer. So it’s back to Brikicho, in finance we were taught the bigger the risk the bigger the returns, but I don’t know if the same applies to risking heart breaks and being vulnerable!!!? But know what? Am not singing that Chris Brown song again, or rather I will sing a different version:
Yes I did Kiss you
I already told you how I felt
No I won’t stop
Stopping at green light
When I know I want to be more than friends
Okay we both know I can’t sing…