If I ever fall in love

Today I am going to tell you a random story, a story that I have never told anyone until now. Once upon a time there was this girl that I really liked, she was the ying to my yang we just fit like a ring to a ring finger. But then I was a wuss. I never really displayed my intentions I was scared.

I pretended I wanted just to be friends. That friendship, was the biggest thing that I valued in this world. Yup you guessed right. After a long period of battling with feelings for the potential future mother of my unborn children I grew a pair and asked her if she would be mine.

Well I never used those exact words I asked her if she had a boyfriend. To which she replied yes. She asked, “why?” to which I replied “nothing”. Thing is, I felt like I would be snatching away someones joy so me and my good self decided I wouldn’t, I felt like if I made a move I’d be a relationship breaker of some sorts.

We were still good friends and I repressed all these feelings until one day I decided you know what? What is the worst that could ever happen? What did I stand to lose? I told her I needed her to be my girlfriend, she told me she was still with him. But then she asked if she left him I’d love her forever? My heart was screaming yes, but my head was screaming “I’m not sure Kel, you know you have no experience in this shit whatsoever?”. So I told her I wouldn’t give promises. And she told me if she was to leave where she is, no matter how unrewarding it was there had to be some guarantees…

Just like that I lost her the second time. I don’t know if Prince Charles and Camilla can identify, can you? For about a week I was distraught, I didn’t know how to deal, cope with all this emotional ups and downs. My mom always makes fun of me during that period. Apparently she noticed and knew all that was going on haha.

Now that I am way older I usually look back and laugh. Like the alchemist told the boy, one is loved because one is loved, there is no reason needed for loving. But don’t go loving people’s spouses you will get shot my friend. Follow your heart to where it leads you.

 

A love story

Scars

After being broken, she took time to begin her healing process. Far away from everyone. The pain had to be forgotten, walls were built and barbs to ward off all the attempts of entry.

Like they say time sure does heal…

She would sit and wonder “will I ever find him?” How many nice guys are left? How come I am the only one who seems to be left behind all my friends prosper? Where can I meet these nice guys and not a deadbeat? It was crazy. People kept on telling her she needs to put”herself out there”. But where is “out there”?. She had been to many places, and simply out there seems never to exist.

The yearning for love and be loved always haunted her in her sleep. All the checklist items, she had put out never seemed to come in one package. What to do?

After broken, he saw all women as the same. People to be related with at an arms length. He too built up walls, high walls…

He became really aloof. No regard to being tied down. Or getting committed again. He saw commitment as a weakness, something that made you vulnerable. Vulnerabilities were not allowed in his new self. Not ever, not again.

But then again, there was his mother. Always up his neck. “I am getting old you know? I need to see grandchildren”. He would laugh it off and tell her she would get a handful of them, when the time is right and when he finds someone he was ready to spend the rest of his life with. This would eat him up at night when he went to sleep. He still believed love existed, but his wounded heart was just not ready just yet. It wanted to stay where it felt safe and secure.

He wanted to get over the “what ifs and what would have been”. Cleanse himself of all her memories, forget the hurt, because even with all this he felt it would be unfair to drag someone innocent into his mess. “I shouldn’t let the wreck in me wreck other people he would say.”

Yin and Yang

One day they happened to have those functions for the youth at church. He still volunteered in such.

As they were preparing for the event, he saw her.

This new face all bright and bubbly.

He felt a gush of déjà vu. It was like he knew her from somewhere. He just couldn’t recollect where, even though it was totally a new face because he didn’t think he would have forgotten such a personality.

As they say, déjà vu is a sign of love at first sight.

He went over to her and said hi and tried to hit on her to make small talk. She totally ignored him. She thought, “he is probably like the rest of them” I don’t think I want to risk that again.

The function went well and she would keep hearing what a nice person he was. She sat opposite him and stared. He was actually someone she would love to get to know. He had good sense of humour, and for some reason she found his jokes insanely hilarious.

Courage the cowardly dog!

As they were finishing the function, she went up to him said “I think you are cute”. That got him by surprise. Big surprise, he was stunned, he didn’t know whether to blush or say thank you or whatever. This was new to him. So was it to her. She had decided there was nothing to lose. She had to make a move or forever keep her peace. He loved how bold she was.

“That is random, after ignoring me all this time you just drop a bombshell like this?”

She laughs.

“So is this where we get to kiss?”

“Hahahaha yes, in your dreams…”

“Can I get your number?”

“Sure”

“Coffee?”

“I would really love that”

Healing and fresh beginning

Both of them were scared of going all in at once. As the time rolled on by they realized they were the missing piece of each other’s puzzle and thus a love story was born.

 

Broken!

She met this guy, he was her world, everything she thought she ever wanted.

He had that flair, made her happy, incredibly so. One day her friend tells her how her “man” is hers and for many others too.

She couldn’t believe it, how could her friend try to destroy what she had yearned for for such a long time.

Why couldn’t she let them prosper?

But love is blind, thank God, that, her friend knew….

She invited her friend to go out at this new place.

They walk in and guess who they find at the corner lounge kissing someone else?

Her bae, lover, man…

She couldn’t believe it.

She felt so betrayed, when she had just thought she had finished her search for the one, then this?

How now?

She started doubting love exists, but she still believed in it, because the fire that he had lit, even though it had now died, it yearned to be reignited.

Broken!

He had met her in church.

She was very coy, something he found irresistibly alluring.

He chased her for as long as he could remember.

Then one day as he walked her home from church she said yes.

Imagine the joy, he felt like could burst.

Finally he had found someone he could introduce to his friends and family.

His baby girl moved to another town for work, they promised each other to stay faithful.

The future was bright for them as a couple, they would joke about how many babies they would have.

He wanted many, she wanted two, twins if the heavens willed it.

Communication started waning, the long evening calls started being short and far in between.

He asks for leave, picks his bag and travels to see his baby girl.

He can not let this fire die, he had to show the commitment.

After travelling the whole day, he got to the other town, went to a store and bought her those white chocolates she loves and a flower.

Yes a flower. Because he wanted her and only her forever to be by his side, that is how committed he was.

He walks up her doorway and rings the bell.

A man in boxer shorts opens the door, he asks where she was.

He is told she was in the kitchen.

“Babe, who is it?” she calls out across the hallway.

The guy in boxer shorts replies with, “there is someone here with a message for you.”

She comes through the doorway in a nightdress and stops on her tracks frozen.

He stands up says hello to her, picks his bags and leaves.

Not another word, he gives the chocolates to a street boy, and he books the next bus home.

On his trip back he thanks God for not carrying his firearm, he would have made another statistic.

He calls his boy and pours his heart out the whole commute.

He cannot believe she could do this to him.

After he had made all these commitments for a lifelong future with her….

Broken!

 

Love between African men!!

Source: http://www.furiousandbrave.com

I remember the first time when Henry told me I love you
Well we were drunk
And I thought maybe he is bringing out his gay ass out haha
So I never told him back
But it would nag me in my head
Then I came to realise something
You remember the four types of love you learned in school?
Agape, Phileo, Storge and Eros
Then it hit me, there were people I really care about whom were not family (Storge) or people I am attracted to sexually (Eros), there has been people whom are like brothers and sisters people who are there all through (Phileo) and most times we assume they are there by chance, we never get to appreciate them.

I think it our socialization, love is made to be a word that is used in particular situations or with particular people;as with the case with two of my friends if you are a guy they never tell you bye of goodnight, they always respond with “same” or “sawa” or “fiti” and I just go away laughing to myself. They feel that saying that to a guy is being soft or weak. Why am I writing about this, you ask. As I was watching straight outta Compton Dr. Dre only told Eazy E that he cared for him as a brother on his hospital bed, wouldn’t it be good if we give out flowers when people can still smell them?
Well I tried telling Henry back I loved him, it came out weird but I guess if I tell him “I don’t hate you man” it communicates yes? They should find a gangsta version of communicating love between same sex and people you are not sexually attracted to, I know adding no homo is meant to help but what if I am telling a girl whom I have no other intention except communicating I value the friendship? Because all those synonyms, I adore…, I am fond… will raise eyebrows… Okay I’m done

So this season, if you have someone who you feel has been there for you through thick and thin, go ahead and tell them. It might be someone who just listens to your troubles when everybody else has had it from you. Someone who helps out without you asking but you need the help (ego much). Whichever way they are there for you, just tell them…

 

Love is a scary thing

I don’t know if it’s me

Or I do it wrong

But every time my stupid heart

Falls for someone

They always want to give me a heart attack!

Maybe I worry too much

Maybe I love too much

Maybe I love wrong

Source: http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-images-love-chase-vectorel-conceptual-humorous-cartoon-valentines-day-image32825699

 

2014: Reflections and Deflections

Good start

The year started well. I was all optimistic as I always am 🙂 Big dreams, big goals, big challenges to be overcame, new house. Yup the year started pretty well, despite being not too digital when it came to having a phone I was happy for the good start.

Big dreams, big goals big challenges, failure, wins

I am a dreamer, big dreamer. I had big dreams for the year and big goals, well I did achieve some and missed out on others. For the achievements I did gloat, Henry can be testament to that. For the failures, I beat myself about it and learned to take it with a brave face. I learned you can never be well prepared for failure, no one is, contingency plans or not, we all want the best results. There were some wins, to these I am grateful to God.

Love

Oh boy I did fall and fall hard. I had an infatuation of a magnitude last experienced in my campus days. Well it was a mutual kind of thing; her south was attracted to my north as my north was attracted to her south! There were no (baseless) standards (hurdles) many people put into relationships, yes we once had a random date as we were going home at Central park (if it is not java for the other girls I’ve been with no deal, lol);

Her: Hey M. what’s the craziest thing you have done this year.

Me: Nothing

Her: How about we get hotdogs and pass by Central park today?

Me: Huh?

Her: I want to steal some time with you.

Me: *Sheepish smile*

What’s the craziest thing I did this 2014? A date at Central park 😊. Standards for who?

A photo posted by Mackel Tisa (@mackel9) on Dec 12, 2014 at 4:53am PST

Being together, to her, was more important than where. She was crazy and stubborn like I am; maybe all it not lost you can find someone who complements your attributes and magic happens.

Moving forward

2014 was the year of self-discovery and reaffirmation that all is not lost and that dreams are there to be attained, don’t say you are too old too busy to go after what it that your heart really desires. 2015 I hope will be a year of endless possibilities and great realities.

A friend predicts that 2015 is my year of love. My heart is all open and ready, yeah baby I am ready. Hehehe.

P.S.

Woolie, Kui, Savvy, Alex, Charles (Your blog inspired the title of this blog sir), Henry, Uncle Tree, and all other veiled readers of this diary, thank you for keeping up with the mundane journey of Mackel9, let us see what 2015 holds for us all 😉

 

Loving wrong

I have been writing this post for a long time it had remained a draft that never seems good enough to publish, but today I am going ahead and letting you in on the randomness going on in my head. I am going to talk about love today and what I have learned so far about it or rather what I think I have learned. This is a subject that does not have gurus, but some people understand the subject better than others. Well I am in the category that tries really hard to understand it, it never comes naturally to me and my like (tuko wengi). When you have no one to give you a map on matters of the heart, you have to make that map yourself. Trial and error till you get it right. Well I have come up with a fairly rough idea for what this map looks like and I will share it with you:

School, Church, Regular events

If you are looking for a life partner I find these to be the best places one can find the one. This is why (I will be skewed towards school more here):

• You two will have a lot of time together to get to learn about each other. You get to know who blacks out when they take two doubles of vodka. Who is the responsible between you two (there is usually a lot of pressure to fit in somewhere, where someone fits tells you the type of person they are).
• Apart from spending a lot of time together, you get to learn the true character of the other person. This aided by your mutual friends who will obviously snitch (snitching here is encouraged, you want to know this person in and out, but also take what are told with a pinch of salt, you need to be objective and try to find out on your own. The good the bad the ugly, try to find out on your own too).
• Being with someone for long periods of time means even if you are pretending sometimes you will let your guard down. That holy Joe/Jane, might reveal a hidden side when angry or under pressure.
• You can introduce them to your folks with ease, “hey mom this is Jane from school/ church/ volunteer activity and you can let the chemistry build”. I however find this hard on my side, since I hardly talk about girls whenever I took a friend home, my mom would right away assume that was my girlfriend. Which was good because when my neighbours would tell her I have been bringing girls home, she would ask which friend I brought, then if they have met she’d be like “oh that one, they school together nothing to worry about” haha, see how easy it is to build trust with parents? However when the reciprocal happens and the fathers start asking questions I thought intrusive, (I excused myself before I was asked about my GPA haha) I hardly think it is a good thing for girls to introduce friends to their fathers, moms are okay. Dads I think they have another angle of viewing things, don’t ask me to expound… But if you think there is a future why not go ahead slot your boyfriend in your father Sunday afternoon golf and watch your boyfriend struggle to create rapport hahaha.

Bar/ Club/ One off events

After the third beer a lot of things are said. Whatever happens when you under influence should not be considered to have been serious/ binding when you become sober! They say, “A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts”, but unless this drunk is a person you have known before for a while whatever they say cannot be taken at face value. Evaluate and re-evaluate. Clearly you can see I am biased here, and my map stays that way on this one…

Friends

“Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives – Bertrand Russell”

At some point when you have friends who you seemingly seem to be going through the same things/ issues in life you may be tempted to think “why don’t we hook up, we understand each other right? And to top it up we are friends”. Well this is the thing; if you get together with loneliness as the key driver, it will not work. Things will start rosy, the relationship will seem okay. Then one side will want more; more in this case, it may be letting your other mutual friends know you are together, getting jealous and marking the territory of what is rightfully yours (not the psycho marking that includes stalking though, that’s scary, an introduction of “hey meet my girlfriend/ boyfriend” works perfectly). The other may feel this being somehow throttling since you were just friends a while before and had good distance, this resentment is usually the beginning of the end.

But if you can sit and discuss your expectations beforehand and understanding what converting a platonic friendship to girlfriend/boyfriend involves and the strain that will bring to your mutual friends as they try to pick sides should you part ways and agree then what the hell go right ahead. But Love is hardly rational, so what I’m saying?!!!

Fuck buddy

Urban dictionary describes a fuck buddy thus: A friend or acquaintance whom you occasionally (or often) have sex with. While the sex might be serious, the relationship isn’t.

 AKA Friends With Benefits

Kelsey was left wondering whether or not the “friend” her cousin Emily spoke about so much was her boyfriend or fuck buddy.

You will meet those career focussed people. They are in the “building their career” or “climbing up the career ladder first” or “trying to make their first million” phase. For these commitment is an issue since their lack of time is evident, they are married to their careers/ business, they are forthright in the beginning that they just want to have good sex.

Like Jay-Z put it in lost ones:

I don’t think it’s meant to be, be
But she loves her work more than she does me
And honestly, at twenty-three
I would probably love my work more than I did she
So we, ain’t we
It’s me, and her
‘Cause what she prefers over me, is work
And that’s, where we, differ
So I have to give her
Free, time, even if it hurts
So breathe, mami, it’s deserved
You’ve been put on this earth to be
All you can be, like the reserves
And me? My time in the army, it’s served
So I have to allow she, her, time to serve
The time’s now for her
In time she’ll mature
And maybe we, can be, we, again like we were
Finally, my time’s too short to share
And to ask her now, it ain’t fair
So yeah, she lost one

Should you want to turn your friends to fuck buddies, DO NOT! Those relationships have a timeline; they come to an end eventually. As far as these are concerned, I hardly think these relationships work. That serious sex may just turn to someone demanding for more, or feeling entitled to more than being someone who cures an itch. Refer to friends above. Ask yourself, “to have a good friend and lose a good lover or to have a good lover and lose a good friend?” on this it is hard to have your cake and eat it. If you think you can hack having a sexual relationship sans the emotional strings, go right ahead and be shagging the living daylights out of your partner!

Here are some guidelines should you feel a fuck buddy is what you need.

 

Clarity

 

She had been doing her group assignment; I was at a corner busy finishing on mine. Then she stood, then she stood! Good Lord she an ass! Every finance concept I had been trying to grasp for fifteen minutes got all scrambled, you know the way DSTV scrambles your signal once you are late with your subscription? That way! As she walked my eyes were following her and with every step that ass would jiggle, while my headphones must have been playing Tiesto, for one minute my mind was playing Ass like that by Eminem “I don’t believe it, it almost too good to be true, I never seen an ass like thaaat…” She was talking animatedly to her friend and that’s where I noticed a gap between her teeth, oh boy two things that draw me to women in one, she must be quite something! As I went home that day all I could think about is her, I take too long sometimes to make a move as I study my subject of attraction, it has cost me many chances like Pangla Punglu calls it “Kulala class”. But this suits my personality, being an introvert it has saved me many heartaches, as I don’t know how to deal with those, and being vulnerable; which is a requirement for any relationship is not a state I like being in.

For a while I didn’t see her until I moved to this hostel, when people were busy renting SQ’s and Bedsitters is when I was moving to a hostel! Weird, huh? I know. Guess who I see when I am having my supper? Yep you guessed right, the fine ass lady, Henry must have noticed, he did what every bro does, push you to make a move. I didn’t make it that day. One Sunday I join Henry to go to church, I am not a Catholic but sometimes spiritual nourishment doesn’t have to come from your own church ey? As we go to the Ten o’clock service at Don Bosco cathedral in Upperhill guess who we meet? This made me start accompanying Henry every other Sunday, I never saw her in all the subsequent visits, maybe God felt I was playing him and made our schedules stop coinciding, for a while I didn’t see her. She had this friend who at times would join out table, I was tempted to ask him for her number, but then again what kind of man can’t ask a lady he fancies for her number himself? Then this Sunday I am just having my lunch lazily when Henry gives me a heads up, as she is leaving I call her name and finally ask for that number. She must have been shocked, I suck at small talk, therefore this must have been shocking “Hey M, how are you? Good? Great! What’s your number? Are you free this afternoon, we go to safariwalk?” I got the number but safariwalk didn’t happen that day and she hates walking anyway. I was smitten, and after lunch I was busy humming to Just a Band’s, Hey

Hey baby nataka kukuona

sura yaako inafanya roho inapona

hey kweli ni we ni malaika

hao wengine nawaita kadhalika

Fast forward to a year later, I am in my first job and basically figuring out life on my own she is still in school we get reacquainted. Things had changed, we chat here and there, I am still smitten and I think I mentioned it and that is when I reinforced my notion; being vulnerable sucks, simple stuff would be answered rudely that I couldn’t figure out why. These are the times you just keep quiet as you try to figure it out, guys suck at discussing things like these, you recluse and figure it yourself; DIY, anyway how would such a conversation go, “hey Henry, this girl answered an honest question rudely, what could that mean?” no way, not happening. I have digressed, because the other person may see you vulnerability as a weakness and use it to demoralize you, and your situation is that of always Beggin like Madcon. At some point the fuse blew and I put a stop to everything. I wasn’t vulnerable anymore, it felt good. But not for long; have you realized the further you pull the sling on a catapult the more the tension increases making it likely to return at the un-stretched position? Unless you cut the rubber the sling will always return to its original position no matter how much you pull it. In short I was not moving on, I was mark timing like a hamster running very fast on a wheel but at the end of the day it’s back to square one. I figured this would not be fair to future flames, not being able to give them all of me like John Legend. I needed clarity; I needed to have some questions to avoid the “what ifs and what might have been”.  I ask her the nagging questions, I expected her to ignore that long-winded text but she doesn’t, we later have this long chat and it starts dawning to me, even if I wanted and like Chris Brown I tried to Kiss her, maybe I would have kissed the hand smack on my face. By the time we hang up, my infatuation, poof! Had disappeared.

I won’t be building walls this time, but God knows I am scared of being that vulnerable again. How other people do it I am yet to understand, thanks to being a very late bloomer. So it’s back to Brikicho, in finance we were taught the bigger the risk the bigger the returns, but I don’t know if the same applies to risking heart breaks and being vulnerable!!!? But know what? Am not singing that Chris Brown song again, or rather I will sing a different version:

Yes I did Kiss you

I already told you how I felt

No I won’t stop

Stopping at green light

When I know I want to be more than friends

Okay we both know I can’t sing…

 

Brikicho…

I heard this song a few weeks back and just loved it, I think it also expresses my love life at the moment, a series of hide and seek games without finding the one… but as Fena sings ” I am gonna find you…..” okay I can’t sing