Mt. Kenya Day 2 #MtKenyaChallenge2017

#MtKenyaChallenge2017 Day 2: Old Moses Camp

#MtKenyaChallenge2017 Day 2: It’s about 3.00 am, the wind has become gentler but it is still whistling through the cracks, a snore here another one there, the room is also a bit warmer than a few hours ago. I jolt up because I hear people talking outside the Banda, I open one eye thinking, “could I have overslept?”, being a night owl rather than an early bird waking up is something I struggle like my friend keeps telling me “sleep is the cousin of death” then death is…. I digress. I check and see Ken is soundly asleep and tuck back in my sleeping bag and wonder what is Olive doing up this early? Even if I had a bathroom break I could not see myself leaving that bag. It’s good there were voices because in paranormal activity I saw there are sleepwalkers haha. I fall back into deep sleep as quickly as I jolted. Five minutes later, at 6.00am Olive comes round tugging our sleeping bags, clearly we had an natural alarm clock. I start my morning debate, “Kel wake up, no just sleep for two more minutes it will make your day better” Then Peterson, our lead guide walks in and shouts “alright everybody wake up!”, “Aye aye Captain!” I shout in my head and jump up. I dress in a flash the #MtKenyaChallenge2017 is on! And head out to see if I can catch the sunrise, my nostrils feel cold and wet with the hairs stiff I cannot help but keep rubbing it every minute. Tanya comes out and says, wow we should warm up! And goes to get Robert. We do burpees and on the 50th I’m done, I’m beat I go inside to have breakfast and leave them going on.

Day 2 Part 1

A post shared by Mackel Tisa (@mackel9) on May 16, 2017 at 3:18am PDT

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After breakfast Duncan checks our heart rates and notes them down. “Did you warm up?” he would ask, seems the altitude had some relation with increased heart rate which would mean you would need close monitoring.

We fill up our water bags and go for a proper warm up as a group. Remember what I said about day one? That same warm up is what we did. We set off to Shiptons camp. The vegetation now has changed from forests to bushes with tiny leaves. The valleys of Mt Kenya become bare for us to gawk at. What I loved the most was the fact that you needed not look up to see clouds, they were on your level…

The valleys were just therapy 🙂

My knees started acting up and even the knee support was not helping and was actually becoming uncomfortable. In the morning I had forgotten to apply some ointment I’d been given and since I’d been warned about using it under sunlight I had to wait till I got some form of cover. My strategy to beat this was to join Charles our guide at the back to sweep. I loved how he was easy and patient even with the slow pace than most hikers. About midday the vegetation again changes to these funny looking plants. Clearly the higher you go survival belongs to those who can utilise minimum oxygen as possible and go on, man, animal and plant alike.

Day 2 part 2 #MtKenyaChallenge2017 #MtKenyaEaster2017

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Sure you can as well climb, grab my hand…

During the last stop over just before lunch I am so beat I am wondering what in heaven I was thinking. And whenever you’d ask how far before the other camp? Ni pale tu, tukifika kwa tambarare na mawe utaona Shipton. Charles was not just a guide, he was a coach, he knew how to work on your will to ensure you would self motivate until you reached your goal, summitting, the patience and little white lies to get us going, this man was God sent. The area having plenty rocks on the corners I made peace with myself and stopped counting and so did everybody else. Speaking of rocks, Robert had this knack to find the hardest piece of rock and perch on it like an eagle, I would reach where he was look at the rock and just pass height is still an acquired taste for me. Miriam, Habba and Olive would be like, let me try this as well.

We find our catering team has prepared lunch in the middle of nowhere. I am famished, I jump on that pasta with relish especially since I didn’t know when we would get to tambarare. There clouds start caressing the mountain, they would come up the valleys like a blanket and cover everything. The chill would be immediate when the sun rays got swallowed. Robert advises I take opportunity of the cloud cover and apply the ointment which I do, get a few twitches here and there and then it feels way better than before. Tanya had come with this portable solar panel charger and I had given her my phone, now it is almost full and since the sun had started playing hide and seek I switched it off after all there were two calls that I needed to make at the summit after that I would be good.

Day 2 Part 3 #mtkenyachallenge2017 #MtKenyaEaster2017

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We resume our trek in search of the infamous tambarare we really needed to get to Shiptons and rest…

Just a few hundred metres Yvonne starts to retch but nothing is coming out. She is crying hard tears rolling down her cheeks, her cries remind me of Muliro wanje the song. Duncan is at that moment looking for enough, something that would make her throw up quickly. Olive, Abraham, Ivy and I stand there stupefied for a minute, I don’t know what was in everybody else’s minds but I was wondering “are we all going to shed tears at some point? What if someone takes a picture of me crying? How will I be able to explain that to my children and children’s children? That it is okay, sometimes as a man you need to cry? But then wouldn’t that dilute the stories of blood, sweat and tears? Surely if this is what happens there has to be a way to not let it happen through all means possible.” Duncan urges us to go on because if the sun went down, we would bear the brunt of the mountain’s chill. Sometimes I would feel like we were the opposites of vampires, always running away from the night.

Day 2 Part 4 #MtKenyaChallenge2017 #MtKenyaEaster2017

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There is an animal that starts making cackling sound like a chicken in the bushes. We asks what they are and are told they are hyraxes, they look like fat big moles… (See them in my days photos). We catch two who are mating (how do they even do it in this cold? The weather on this mountain is enough to give you a permanent ED) and making a racket about it, hello hyrax, can’t you do your business in peace? Then one come to the path and just stares at us, with this weird gaze, you couldn’t really decide whether it was curiosity, awe or aggression behind the look. Robert who once got attacked by a baboon tells us that it bites, I mean the man was attacked by a full grown baboon and he had to jump on bushes like Tarzan and to escape, when he tells you it bites you believe him, he should know right? Especially if you don’t know what goes in an animal’s brain, you leave it to the experts.

After climbing the rock with mating hyraxes we finally get to see Shiptons! The happiness, goodness, it felt like seeing the finish line after running the whole day, this was it. Finally, wooop wooop. Guys now just Subaru with the new found energy to get to the camp.

Mt Kenya slopes

As the sun ⛅ disappears on the other side of the mountain slopes we get to Shiptons. We can see Batian now very clearly. I remember how Old Moses let’s cold air in and quickly go to bed hunt, when I get to the dorms I realise Shiptons has no cracks between the wooden walls, I begin wondering if Old Moses had done that intentionally, clearly this mountain is selling experience nothing more nothing less, just forget about comfort, and with what you are able to take in through the experiences so will be the stories you will tell. I remember how out of place I would feel during prep hikes people would talk about things to do with the mountain and I would tell them “I have no idea what you are talking about, but I can imagine”. Especially Nick, he had a way of telling his experiences vividly and telling you, “oh man you should try it” and the curiosity it me would just get fuelled. Now I was on the path of building my own story and that felt super good than anything I had ever done before.

Day 2 Part 5. Wonder what was on that Hyrax’s mind #MtKenyaChallenge2017 #MtKenyaEaster2017

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I set up my bed and clean up in a flash because the chill on Shiptons is twice that in Old Moses. I them go out to look around. The ground is swampy and I go stepping in the wet grounds to see how waterproof my shoes are, which is very silly remembering I did not have a spare pair. Then I hear it, cue Muliro Wanje iiiiii iiiiii iiiiii iiii mulirooooo waaanjeee…. I go to find out. It’s Yvonne again, she is now able to throw up and the tears are freely flowing accompanied by the wails as well, Duncan is there helping her out. Duncan really had work with our team.

Jeremy also seems to have been hit by the altitude sickness; clearly this altitude was not anybody’s friend. I look him in the eye to see if he has any glistening to signify crying, his eyes are dry just a bit withdrawn from his bubbly self, there was hope we could survive without tears… Well today everyone is chill, the energy levels are low. Florence also seems to have been hit by the altitude, now I’m wondering what if we sleep and get altitude in bed? Whenever someone opened the door to the dining area the room temperature would drop instantly.

Did I mention we found Peter here? He had reached during the day, this guy was clearly a ninja and he was carrying all his weight, this is the true mountaineering on pro mode.

Food is served and Duncan is urging everyone to feed. At this point nobody seemed to have appetite, I even was surprised by myself, here there was food and I did not feel like eating! The rice and chicken looked delicious but when you took a bite it felt bland, I cannot find something that felt so bland, it was like chewing sawdust, but we had to force it down our throats, the body would figure out how to convert the sawdust to energy as long you swallowed and urged it to stay put in your stomach. Yvonne and Jeremy are the ones struggling feeding, and Yvonne still has tears rolling down her cheeks. Brian sits between them and takes it upon himself to urge them to feed. Which they painstakingly try to finish. As our hot water for hot water bottles is being boiled Beatrice discovers the jiko warming up souls in the kitchen, as I go to check on my bottle I also join in to warm up. And it feels good. A small rat comes to smell my toes, everyone is pointing at it and I check to see this tiny rodent fearlessly playing under my seat! How did they come up this high?

I get my water bottles and go to the dorm and retire. It is pretty cold and few hours away the summit awaits. The third highest peak in Kenya and the highest Via Ferrata in the world… The #MtKenyaChallenge2017 continued…

 

Nathan and Kenton Hills Hike #MtKenyaChallenge2017

After Kiima Kiu I realized my fitness levels were pathetic and Karura forest became my friend every Saturday and Sunday, this was not going to be an option if I was to complete the #mtkenyachallenge2017. I would try to hit a minimum of 8km either cycling or running. Let me tell you every week I would shed a kilo or more, I was dropping weight like it was hot… haha.

The second preparatory hike would be the Kenton and Nathan hills, these are named after the early settlers in the Kijabe area. We are picked up early in the morning, Duncan the CEO of Xtrym has become synonymous with “The bus leaves with or without you” so I do not try my owlish habits the night before hikes…

Nathan Hills Photo credits: Ruskin Onyambu

We pick up other hikers along the way and head on our way to Kenton. We get a small break at the escarpments and get to take pictures with all smiley faces ‘the calm before the storm moments’. Our trip starts just before you get to Maai mahiu and boy oh boy is that hill steep.

I am wearing leather boots because in my head I am thinking they should be able to do the job, that’s what boots are for right? Wrong! Anyway I will tell you about them later. Our initial climb is gradual, since I know how crappy my fitness level is I am at peace sweeping guys from the back. The hill after the SGR gets very steep and thorny and just as you think you are about to get to the top you encounter another steep climb! The #MtKenyaChallenge2017 is not for the faint hearted, clearly!

SGR Railwayline, Kijabe. Photo credits: Ruskin Onyambu

This time I am already well acquainted with how Xtrym hikes go, and they do call for grit and resilience and in my head I have decided before I give up I would need to have fainted and totally immobile. I have fainted once when I skipped breakfast and lunch a long time ago and since that day I hardly play around with food, especially breakfast, let me get there late but I am not missing that, do not dare judge me!

We finally manage to get to the top of Nathan hill and we start to descend to start our ascend on Kenton hill, we meet a couple who have come to paraglide. The Wind seems strong enough to sustain a flight, we joke with them how they are crazy jumping off a cliff with that contraption, they retort how we are the crazy ones walking the whole day when you can fly and have all the view in 15 minutes *laughter*. We wish each other well and head on our way.

Going down the hill that is when I start bearing the brunt of my misplaced shoes. I curse myself for being so silly but then again, since choices have consequences I decide to carry my cross without bitching and whining about it. I don’t take “I told you so” very well…

We pass by Kijabe Mission Hospital and boy wouldn’t I love to work in such a serene environment, if I could make peace with needles I would become a doctor and find how I could get posted here. There are huge quarters with big windows on the balcony and living room which I presume must belong to guys working in the hospital.

Right after Kijabe town we begin a climb that takes us to our lunch point. When I have finished gobbling my snacks I pull my socks and fold them under my soles to get more padding. I can feel blisters forming and I don’t want them to start forming because at the end of the day I know I will get them.

The view is very scenic as we proceed the hike, we meet this old guy:

Him: Habari yenu?

Us: Mzuri sana!

Him: Mnaenda wapi?

Us: Tuko hike tunatembea

Him: Kutoka wapi?

Us: Kutoka huko Nathan hio barabara ya Narok sasa tunaenda huko ile pande ingine ya highway

Him: Na si mmechoka sana, mmekula? Kujeni mpewe ngwaci mpate nguvu kidogo.

Us: Asante sana, labda ile wakati ingine kama hatuna haraka. Bakia salama

Him: Pia nyinyi muende salama na muje kutusalimia tena.

Further up we meet a group of five to eight year olds, who look excited to see us and greet every single one of us. People out of Nairobi are really friendly, you need to reset your Nairobiness when you go out there, people are more trusting and friendly, which I find very refreshing every single time I go on a hike. The last climb must have been on a 70⁰ incline. I would take five steps then rest up, the residents would pass us and tell us how they are used to the hill by now, I think to myself how fit they must be. If I lived here and forgot something say like my wallet in the house which was down that hill, there would be no way I would go back for it, I would have to pass by Njoro’s shop and ask for a soft loan till I retrieve my wallet.

When we finish the climb my legs are screaming but then again the ego tells my mouth to shut up! The remaining part before we get to the bus is fairly level ground and I am thankful for that. We finish earlier than usual and I get home when there is still light. When I remove my shoes I swear never to wear the wrong shoe for a hike, I was a fool so that you can learn. Wear the appropriate shoes for the appropriate occasion… The #MountKenyaChallenge2017 continued…

 

 

Its been six years! Happy Anniversary Mackel9's Blog

Happy 6th Anniversary to Mackel9’s Blog! It is now 6 years down this line of random stories from the experiences all around the world. I would like to thank all of you fam and a special mention goes to @Woolie he is never shy to leave a trail. That is not to leave out the ghost readers, I always see you in my stats, Thank you! 🙂

Happy 6th anniversary @mackel9‘sblog

 

R.A.P.E!

She was home alone

First year in college

She went to catch a movie in the living room

In her nightdress

Midway she fell asleep on the couch

He was her father’s friend

A family friend

They played with his children

He felt like family, well almost…

He got in and called out for her father

Nobody seemed to be in

He got to the living room and

Saw her nubile body breathing peacefully

He unzipped his trousers

Chocked her and threatened

Dare she scream

And she’d be dead

She couldn’t believe her eyes

This was a person she had trusted

All her life

How could he be doing this to her?

Why her?

Did she do something wrong?

Was God punishing her?

Was this the way she was going to lose her virginity?

Her dignity was destroyed!

The pain in her heart was deeper than the abbrasions caused by his zipper and penis to her privates and groin

When he was done with his deed he left without looking back

She sat up and sobbed uncontrollably

Why why why why is all she could mutter

But there was no voice giving the causes

She thought about taking her own life

What was the purpose of living? She didn’t know anymore

A month later she misses her periods

She visits her close friend

“I think I have missed my periods”

“Someone has been naughty”

She breaks down and cries

Her friend hugs her and probes to find out what is up.

She tells her the whole story

Whenever her father’s friend visits she feels like vomitting

And a lot of fear too

They go to the doctor and tell him

He asks if they have reported the matter to the police?

They say no

He tells them that they should… They still don’t

She is too scared since he has clout

They procure an abortion

And know that, this is a painful secret they have to keep every single minute they live

R.A.P.E

****

They had gone for a party

Everyone was making merry

He was too, but he was a teetotaler

She would be refilling his glass of juice whenever it was empty

He started feeling funny

He went to a wall and tried to support himself

She came over and asked how he was feeling

Not so well he said

She told him she’d show him where he could rest

She took him to a bedroom and his head was fuzzy and his heart seemed to be pumping faster than usual

He could feel his pants being removed

S…

St…

Stop!

They were now three different figures he could see

They had cuffed his hands on the bed

They would each take turns at him

When he told his friends what happened later

They laughed it off and told him how that was a man dream

Three women, a quadrasome

He felt humiliated but couldn’t keep on telling people

Because he never seemed to even get sympathy

People thought he was “lucky”

And wished they could get same “opportunity’

R.A.P.E.

****

He was too drunk after a night out of fun

He decided to remain in the tent as others went to the campfire

One of the guys offered to remain behind and keep watch

As the camp activities were going on, one of his boys decided to go back to the tent and grab a sweatshirt

He finds their friend who was left behind to keep watch over the drunk friend kissing him

He grabs him by the collar and gives him a few punches

He calls the other friends and they rain on him with blows and kicks

They however decide they are never going to tell their blacked out friend what went on jn that tent

N.E.A.R.L.Y R.A.P.E.D

****

She had gone to sleep over at a friend’s

As the weekend whiled on, more boys and girls dropped by

They brought with them drinks

Discussions became debates

From politics, economy to general life

When people started leaving she went to retire in the guest room

She was drunk but conscious

One of the guys who had remained behind slipped into her room

He started fondling her

She told him to stop

He though no means yes and yes means yes

Such flawed thinking

He went on and undressed her

And molested her

She was too drunk to fight back

She told her host in the morning

He did not believe her

How now? They had been boys since time

She had to carry her burden on her own

Getting STD tests, Post Exposure Prophylaxis and emergency contraception

But after that she developed trust issues

How could people you call friends treat you like such?

R.A.P.E.D

****

They were at a popular park

Time rushed past and soon it was dark

As they were leaving they were arrested by cops on patrol

They were told it was illegal to be in the park past 7.00pm

They pleaded and pleaded

On deaf ears their pleas fell

They made calls to their family and friends

The cops took them away from the station within the jurisdiction they were arrested

Their friends couldn’t find them

In the tiny cells the police officers had their way and let them go

On reporting, nothing seems to be happening

The process of seeking justice was made frustrating for them

They cannot walk alone in the dark any more

Parks are not places for picnics and fun anymore

R.A.P.E.D

 

Broken!

She met this guy, he was her world, everything she thought she ever wanted.

He had that flair, made her happy, incredibly so. One day her friend tells her how her “man” is hers and for many others too.

She couldn’t believe it, how could her friend try to destroy what she had yearned for for such a long time.

Why couldn’t she let them prosper?

But love is blind, thank God, that, her friend knew….

She invited her friend to go out at this new place.

They walk in and guess who they find at the corner lounge kissing someone else?

Her bae, lover, man…

She couldn’t believe it.

She felt so betrayed, when she had just thought she had finished her search for the one, then this?

How now?

She started doubting love exists, but she still believed in it, because the fire that he had lit, even though it had now died, it yearned to be reignited.

Broken!

He had met her in church.

She was very coy, something he found irresistibly alluring.

He chased her for as long as he could remember.

Then one day as he walked her home from church she said yes.

Imagine the joy, he felt like could burst.

Finally he had found someone he could introduce to his friends and family.

His baby girl moved to another town for work, they promised each other to stay faithful.

The future was bright for them as a couple, they would joke about how many babies they would have.

He wanted many, she wanted two, twins if the heavens willed it.

Communication started waning, the long evening calls started being short and far in between.

He asks for leave, picks his bag and travels to see his baby girl.

He can not let this fire die, he had to show the commitment.

After travelling the whole day, he got to the other town, went to a store and bought her those white chocolates she loves and a flower.

Yes a flower. Because he wanted her and only her forever to be by his side, that is how committed he was.

He walks up her doorway and rings the bell.

A man in boxer shorts opens the door, he asks where she was.

He is told she was in the kitchen.

“Babe, who is it?” she calls out across the hallway.

The guy in boxer shorts replies with, “there is someone here with a message for you.”

She comes through the doorway in a nightdress and stops on her tracks frozen.

He stands up says hello to her, picks his bags and leaves.

Not another word, he gives the chocolates to a street boy, and he books the next bus home.

On his trip back he thanks God for not carrying his firearm, he would have made another statistic.

He calls his boy and pours his heart out the whole commute.

He cannot believe she could do this to him.

After he had made all these commitments for a lifelong future with her….

Broken!

 

Tricks about dating/ Relationship tips from a bachelor

On this arena of dating I am not a guru I am a very late Bloomer and never try to.hide that fact, I will say things which have been said before and probably I will say the same thing in different ways. There I have broken the first rule of story telling, never pre-empt anything at the beginning or start by apologizing/explaining yourself… but screw rules, we are talking about dating and there are not rules in this *#@@#

1. Don’t be boring
People want to be around (read date) interesting people people who excite them. I don’t know what this is all about, but listen a lot and if you pick out “remember when you/we did this? That was pretty awesome” and be doing that more often than the things a that don’t get mentioned.

2. Fake spontaneity if you have to but have a plan in your head
I think for the people who like knowing exactly what is going to happen and how it is going to happen, spontaneity is something we struggle with. We always have a plan. You know what you will do this weekend and next and the next after next. We have a list we cross off and keep adding new things. But you know what? Some people hate that, so how to you ensure you keep this interesting person who wants you to be a free like a butterfly like themselves? I won’t tell you to throw your list, no, but hide it!!! There you have it. Hide your list and ensure you only unleash the items on it the very last minute, how spontaneous is that? Pretty much, yes? You are welcome 😉

3. Be random
Never let your relationship reach point where you anticipate each other or it becomes routine. Be too random at times it scares and at the same time excites them. So yes you had been saving to take her/him on vacation to Madagascar and an opportunity to go skydiving in Diani happens, take her/him *disclaimer you are responsible for your financial management if you get into woes don’t say Mackel said. In hindsight the opportunity cost will be a healthy relationship ey?*

So there you have it, follow these tricks on dating and you will see yourself moving out of the friend zone more often. These apply to both girls and guys.

 

The abusive relationship

He offered her all she ever dreamt of
In her young and impressionable self,  this was the life
Then slowly the ugly head started rearing itself
He knew her every move. Stalker! Or is it PIs?
Who she talked to where she had been

He knew even the conversations she had on her phone

And not once did she see him pick up her phone to scroll!

Who are you? She often wondered to herself…
He threatened to hurt everyone he deemed competition
She was scared
She knew he was capable of what he said
She withdrew even from her closest friends
He owned her, it was an abusive relationship
And all that glitter was not worth the sacrifice

One day she packs and decides she is about to runaway and never look back. And there she started recreating her life back again.

How far are you willing to go/ sell your soul inorder to get the good life?

 

Six things you need to know about dating a girl who's above 25

So of late my friends think I have become good with women but the reality is women have become good with me. Dating a girl that is above 25 brings out a new perspective on the word date here is a few of the things I have made discoveries on:

1. Exclusivity
Whereas when she was younger she wouldn’t mind tagging along with a couple of friends to your dates, now if you are having a date it will be just you two. You get the time to really get to catch up and talk without trying to engage a third wheel who might not be privy to some of the things you talk about.

2. Less alcohol
While before going out in a club counted as a date. The girl who is 25 and above will prefer a proper date, not a drinking date. Even if there will be alcohol it is just to keep the story going not to make you too drunk you need to be carried home.

3. Content
The 25 plus girl will mostly be talking about her future, that MBA she intends to start or finish on, that deal she hears from PRC for a ka plot in Nanyuki (who lives in Nanyuki though?), getting the right partner because in a few years time she intends to settle down and she also talks alot about money and being upwardly mobile. This girl seems very clear about what she wants and how she will get there.

4. Bullshit
This is the biggest development you find. If she tells you “oh I have a bullshit detector” she is lying. But if you say something crappy and she stops you and tells you “you are shitting me right now” there you have found a girl who won’t accept to feed on crap.

5. Making the first move

Uncle Norman: Two and a half men

She knows when a guy likes her and is too scared to ask. Well this is not from my personal experience but from observation around hehe. She will throw things like, my evening tomorrow is free would you like to grab some coffee as the rain caused traffic eases? Or I know how really like chapo and I just know the place, it is the best kept secret when it comes to chapos.

6. Sex
If you have ever been involved in procurement process you know how you start with pre-qualifying suppliers. Basically sex will never be just random with this girl. If you ask nicely and she says yes, she premeditated about all the scenarios and knew how they’d play out in her head before. So you are the puppet. She will never say yes if she doesn’t want to. And most importantly if she wants to she is not too shy to initiate, at first she will be coy about it then it gets more broad about it depending on the partner’s response.

If you are a lady over 25 what has changed since you hit a quarter century? If you are a guy what are the changes you are noticing?

 

Amref was E.X.C.I.T.I.N.G for me ☺😉

I have this interest in playing around with data, to bring out different scenarios and when an opportunity presented itself for a short course at Amref international training centre I broke my bank to join the program.

Happy cartoon green smiling frog jumping excited and spreading his arms and legs

Amref is the only place where I found exciting to be a reality and not a word put up in their generic value system and hang on a board at the reception. The people were always geared up pumped for action, it made me start looking inwards and asking myself is my life work balance as exciting as these guys and to be honest I think I would love to join amref. Even if it will mean me being deployed to some village in Turkana as long as it is exciting, I’m going to take it.

What is exciting to you? Is your life/ career exciting? Amref was exciting for me. It pumped some life into me. If I start talking about the people I will need a week to finish….

PS. If you know anyone who knows anyone who knows the recruiting manager at Amref holla so that I can prepare my “why I am the right candidate and fit pitch” 😉

 

#NSFW Tinder in Kenya. The match un-match business.

So the cat in me decided, what the hell is this tinder i kept hearing from a third of the conversations from my friends and acquaintances. Like a cat the curiosity built up untill I could not hold it anymore

Si I decide to let my ass join tinder well that was to last exactly for one week only. So here is my short and crazy experience on this animal😂

Saturday
Start checking out tinder alternatives. Saw hot or not. Fun something. Badoo. Tinder and a host of other unrated apps. Itart reading reviews and finally decide to go with tinder.

Sunday
I download the app and start learning the ropes. I start swiping right but I am choosy. Oolala I get a couple of hot hot babes who swipe back and it’s a match!😏😏 I must be doing pretty good. I go start checking out my new babes description and alas! Guess what I find out? They are escorts! A snippet of the description read “twerk queen, will make you forget your problems. Well loaded guys, broke boys and jokers please swipe left” Wueh!
The other nubile match that atleast looks innocent we start chatting then I have no idea what I said wrong she unmatched me!😭😭

Monday
The word fuckboy keeps appearing more times than I could count. I have to find out what it means. The matches who say they just want just friends can’t really seem to hold a conversation. I think maybe it is my kick off strategy that is bad, I go to the app store and download apps to help with the cheesy lines that break the ice and get her talking. When the tacky lines can’t seem to work since they are not tailored for Africa. Especially Kenya I surrender.

I go to my friend M and start lamenting how I cannot seem to find babes on tinder. Babes who are not seeking the size of my pants or wallet. She asks me to send her my profile and she goes nope nope throw away those pics put kickass pics. You got to be a thirst trap Kel. I think a thirst trap huh? Okay then. Challenge accepted.

Tuesday
I go through my phone and find some kickass pics which I get M to put the stamp of approval and put them up. I put them up and wait. And wait and waaaaaiiiiit. Kwani these people don’t see my kick ass pics ama niaje? I mean I am playing by the rules and even have enlisted the help of a coach all ego aside right?

Wednesday
I decide maybe it is my description is the one giving me problems. I formulate what I think was pretty dope.”If I was a cat my ninth would be lost on tinder, just a curious mind. Existing only in your mind, I am yours,  your faithful imaginary friend #TinderHomeofImaginaryFriends

Thursday
My coach tells me “dude you got to be swiping as much as possible, you can’t be expecting her to fall from heaven line manna”. From that alone I change my discovery setting from the minimum of 2 km to max of 159 km.
I then swipe and super like until all my likes and super lies are finished. So I am told super like is for those who don’t want to waste time. You could see the future mother of your kids and you don’t want to wait until she sees you and swipes right back. You want her to get notifications because tinder doesn’t let the other person know. It has to be a mutual liking to get a match. So say you are a guy and want to give a lady your sperm and you don’t feel like you can wait. You super like and fast forward that hookup. Same thing applies for ladies, say you see a guys who makes your ovaries cry out for him. Super like that dude!!! You are welcome!!

Friday
I don’t log in

Saturday
I get new matches I feel good again. But the weird part is nobody seems interested in conversation. More matching and unmatching.
Then I decide to chat up the very first matches I made and the response is straight to the point Ten thousand for an hour.
I curl back to where I came from. I tell my friend and she tells me she gets that alot, instead of hi, it’s “how much for a night”

Sunday
This day I match with a creative manager somewhere and I think you myself finally I found someone to talk to. And the best thing is she wants friends only. So I ask her why she is on tinder and as I am about to explain myself and goofyness I was unmatched!
I decide I had enough in tinder wonderland. I deactivate the Account and delete the app. For now I’d rather rather talk to the crazy strangers in mathrees. Let me stick to the rivers and lakes I am used to…

Have you ever been on tinder? What was your experience?