I have been writing this post for a long time it had remained a draft that never seems good enough to publish, but today I am going ahead and letting you in on the randomness going on in my head. I am going to talk about love today and what I have learned so far about it or rather what I think I have learned. This is a subject that does not have gurus, but some people understand the subject better than others. Well I am in the category that tries really hard to understand it, it never comes naturally to me and my like (tuko wengi). When you have no one to give you a map on matters of the heart, you have to make that map yourself. Trial and error till you get it right. Well I have come up with a fairly rough idea for what this map looks like and I will share it with you:
School, Church, Regular events
If you are looking for a life partner I find these to be the best places one can find the one. This is why (I will be skewed towards school more here):
- You two will have a lot of time together to get to learn about each other. You get to know who blacks out when they take two doubles of vodka. Who is the responsible between you two (there is usually a lot of pressure to fit in somewhere, where someone fits tells you the type of person they are).
- Apart from spending a lot of time together, you get to learn the true character of the other person. This aided by your mutual friends who will obviously snitch (snitching here is encouraged, you want to know this person in and out, but also take what are told with a pinch of salt, you need to be objective and try to find out on your own. The good the bad the ugly, try to find out on your own too).
- Being with someone for long periods of time means even if you are pretending sometimes you will let your guard down. That holy Joe/Jane, might reveal a hidden side when angry or under pressure.
- You can introduce them to your folks with ease, “hey mom this is Jane from school/ church/ volunteer activity and you can let the chemistry build”. I however find this hard on my side, since I hardly talk about girls whenever I took a friend home, my mom would right away assume that was my girlfriend. Which was good because when my neighbours would tell her I have been bringing girls home, she would ask which friend I brought, then if they have met she’d be like “oh that one, they school together nothing to worry about” haha, see how easy it is to build trust with parents? However when the reciprocal happens and the fathers start asking questions I thought intrusive, (I excused myself before I was asked about my GPA haha) I hardly think it is a good thing for girls to introduce friends to their fathers, moms are okay. Dads I think they have another angle of viewing things, don’t ask me to expound… But if you think there is a future why not go ahead slot your boyfriend in your father Sunday afternoon golf and watch your boyfriend struggle to create rapport hahaha.
Bar/ Club/ One off events
After the third beer a lot of things are said. Whatever happens when you under influence should not be considered to have been serious/ binding when you become sober! They say, “A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts”, but unless this drunk is a person you have known before for a while whatever they say cannot be taken at face value. Evaluate and re-evaluate. Clearly you can see I am biased here, and my map stays that way on this one…
“Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives – Bertrand Russell”
At some point when you have friends who you seemingly seem to be going through the same things/ issues in life you may be tempted to think “why don’t we hook up, we understand each other right? And to top it up we are friends”. Well this is the thing; if you get together with loneliness as the key driver, it will not work. Things will start rosy, the relationship will seem okay. Then one side will want more; more in this case, it may be letting your other mutual friends know you are together, getting jealous and marking the territory of what is rightfully yours (not the psycho marking that includes stalking though, that’s scary, an introduction of “hey meet my girlfriend/ boyfriend” works perfectly). The other may feel this being somehow throttling since you were just friends a while before and had good distance, this resentment is usually the beginning of the end.
But if you can sit and discuss your expectations beforehand and understanding what converting a platonic friendship to girlfriend/boyfriend involves and the strain that will bring to your mutual friends as they try to pick sides should you part ways and agree then what the hell go right ahead. But Love is hardly rational, so what I’m saying?!!!
Urban dictionary describes a fuck buddy thus: A friend or acquaintance whom you occasionally (or often) have sex with. While the sex might be serious, the relationship isn’t.
AKA Friends With Benefits
Kelsey was left wondering whether or not the “friend” her cousin Emily spoke about so much was her boyfriend or fuck buddy.
You will meet those career focussed people. They are in the “building their career” or “climbing up the career ladder first” or “trying to make their first million” phase. For these commitment is an issue since their lack of time is evident, they are married to their careers/ business, they are forthright in the beginning that they just want to have good sex.
Like Jay-Z put it in lost ones:
I don’t think it’s meant to be, be
But she loves her work more than she does me
And honestly, at twenty-three
I would probably love my work more than I did she
So we, ain’t we
It’s me, and her
‘Cause what she prefers over me, is work
And that’s, where we, differ
So I have to give her
Free, time, even if it hurts
So breathe, mami, it’s deserved
You’ve been put on this earth to be
All you can be, like the reserves
And me? My time in the army, it’s served
So I have to allow she, her, time to serve
The time’s now for her
In time she’ll mature
And maybe we, can be, we, again like we were
Finally, my time’s too short to share
And to ask her now, it ain’t fair
So yeah, she lost one
Should you want to turn your friends to fuck buddies, DO NOT! Those relationships have a timeline; they come to an end eventually. As far as these are concerned, I hardly think these relationships work. That serious sex may just turn to someone demanding for more, or feeling entitled to more than being someone who cures an itch. Refer to friends above. Ask yourself, “to have a good friend and lose a good lover or to have a good lover and lose a good friend?” on this it is hard to have your cake and eat it. If you think you can hack having a sexual relationship sans the emotional strings, go right ahead and be shagging the living daylights out of your partner!