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#NSFW Tinder in Kenya. The match un-match business.

10 May

So the cat in me decided, what the hell is this tinder i kept hearing from a third of the conversations from my friends and acquaintances. Like a cat the curiosity built up untill I could not hold it anymore

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Si I decide to let my ass join tinder well that was to last exactly for one week only. So here is my short and crazy experience on this animal😂

Saturday
Start checking out tinder alternatives. Saw hot or not. Fun something. Badoo. Tinder and a host of other unrated apps. Itart reading reviews and finally decide to go with tinder.

Sunday
I download the app and start learning the ropes. I start swiping right but I am choosy. Oolala I get a couple of hot hot babes who swipe back and it’s a match!😏😏 I must be doing pretty good. I go start checking out my new babes description and alas! Guess what I find out? They are escorts! A snippet of the description read “twerk queen, will make you forget your problems. Well loaded guys, broke boys and jokers please swipe left” Wueh!
The other nubile match that atleast looks innocent we start chatting then I have no idea what I said wrong she unmatched me!😭😭

Monday
The word fuckboy keeps appearing more times than I could count. I have to find out what it means. The matches who say they just want just friends can’t really seem to hold a conversation. I think maybe it is my kick off strategy that is bad, I go to the app store and download apps to help with the cheesy lines that break the ice and get her talking. When the tacky lines can’t seem to work since they are not tailored for Africa. Especially Kenya I surrender.

Screenshot_2016-05-03-22-01-23-758

I go to my friend M and start lamenting how I cannot seem to find babes on tinder. Babes who are not seeking the size of my pants or wallet. She asks me to send her my profile and she goes nope nope throw away those pics put kickass pics. You got to be a thirst trap Kel. I think a thirst trap huh? Okay then. Challenge accepted.

Tuesday
I go through my phone and find some kickass pics which I get M to put the stamp of approval and put them up. I put them up and wait. And wait and waaaaaiiiiit. Kwani these people don’t see my kick ass pics ama niaje? I mean I am playing by the rules and even have enlisted the help of a coach all ego aside right?

Wednesday
I decide maybe it is my description is the one giving me problems. I formulate what I think was pretty dope.”If I was a cat my ninth would be lost on tinder, just a curious mind. Existing only in your mind, I am yours,  your faithful imaginary friend #TinderHomeofImaginaryFriends

Thursday
My coach tells me “dude you got to be swiping as much as possible, you can’t be expecting her to fall from heaven line manna”. From that alone I change my discovery setting from the minimum of 2 km to max of 159 km.
I then swipe and super like until all my likes and super lies are finished. So I am told super like is for those who don’t want to waste time. You could see the future mother of your kids and you don’t want to wait until she sees you and swipes right back. You want her to get notifications because tinder doesn’t let the other person know. It has to be a mutual liking to get a match. So say you are a guy and want to give a lady your sperm and you don’t feel like you can wait. You super like and fast forward that hookup. Same thing applies for ladies, say you see a guys who makes your ovaries cry out for him. Super like that dude!!! You are welcome!!

Friday
I don’t log in

Saturday
I get new matches I feel good again. But the weird part is nobody seems interested in conversation. More matching and unmatching.
Then I decide to chat up the very first matches I made and the response is straight to the point Ten thousand for an hour.
I curl back to where I came from. I tell my friend and she tells me she gets that alot, instead of hi, it’s “how much for a night”

Sunday
This day I match with a creative manager somewhere and I think you myself finally I found someone to talk to. And the best thing is she wants friends only. So I ask her why she is on tinder and as I am about to explain myself and goofyness I was unmatched!
I decide I had enough in tinder wonderland. I deactivate the Account and delete the app. For now I’d rather rather talk to the crazy strangers in mathrees. Let me stick to the rivers and lakes I am used to…

Have you ever been on tinder? What was your experience?

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